Starting a life abroad can be a deeply exciting experience, but depending on the circumstances, it can also come with real challenges. Navigating language differences, the long process of acculturation, and minority stress are often central parts of the journey.
Across cultures, we are one human family with a shared truth: our need for connection is neurobiologically rooted, primal, and intense. We naturally experience deep suffering whenever our bonds are threatened or broken (Fishbane, 2013; Fisher, 2004; Siegel, 2012, as cited in Scheinkman, 2019).
Relationships are essential to sustaining ourselves and one another. Leaving your original support network behind prompts you to reach out and connect with fellow migrants and locals wherever you are, putting down new roots. In the process, you become a new version of yourself. Like a puzzle, there are pieces that may not have been there when you were first uprooted but are now part of you—and some of those pieces are created through the new friendships and relationships you foster.
Love can be a profound part of this journey. It can shake your world, change your plans, and even prompt you to reconsider whether you will ever return. Love is a magnetizing force. At first, it is just the two of you, getting to know each other, captivated by the intense connection between you. But with time and commitment, you begin to notice the differences. These differences are likely part of those initial puzzle pieces that came with you and your partner.
Falling in love is “easy,” but enduring love requires proactive effort and intention. Enduring love in intercultural relationships, however, has additional layers that may not be evident at first. For context, the number of intercultural relationships in the United States continues to grow. Social acceptance of these relationships continues to increase, but in some parts of the country, it is still in an early stage of growth. Consider that it was not until 2000 that Alabama officially removed bans on intercultural marriage from its state constitution (U.S. Census Bureau, 2012, as cited in Linhof & Allan, 2018).
Intercultural couples face many of the same stressors as couples who are not in intercultural relationships—including negotiating gender roles, raising children, religion, and finances—which can become more complex when multiple heritages are involved (Blount & Young, 2015; Lachkar, 2014, as cited in Linhof & Allan, 2018). In many circumstances, intercultural couples may experience pressure from each partner’s family of origin to conform to certain norms. This can disrupt moments of connection and holidays, leading to feelings of isolation, misunderstanding, and exhaustion from constantly balancing loyalty to a family of origin with commitment to a new relationship (Molina et al., 2004, as cited in Linhof & Allan, 2018).
When Cultural Differences Enter the Relationship
Clashes can arise between a newly formed couple and their families of origin, but they can also arise within the couple itself. In many cultural contexts in the U.S., there is a strong emphasis on talking about feelings and vulnerability. Meanwhile, in some more collectivist cultural contexts, anticipating the needs of others, generosity, and a sense of belonging may carry greater importance than direct communication, which can sometimes be perceived as selfish (Scheinkman, 2019).
This may sound simple, but what we witness in the therapy room when these cultural approaches collide is deep pain when one partner does not feel seen, loved, or accepted. Sometimes, a lack of words to express feelings has nothing to do with a lack of love. Rather, it is because there simply was no reference for expressing those feelings in that person’s upbringing and cultural values.
Couples Therapy for Intercultural Relationships
At the Northampton Center for Couples Therapy, we work with evidence-based therapeutic approaches to help couples who are stuck in conflict and pain. At the center of our work, we prioritize creating a space where cultural elements are not pathologized. Instead, we work to reframe and name your unique experience and expression of love, helping you create the deep and lasting connection you hope to build together.
If you are trying to understand how cultural, family, or language differences are affecting your relationship, a consultation can be a good place to start. The Northampton Center for Couples Therapy offers couples therapy in person in Northampton and online throughout Massachusetts, as well as in Vermont and Maine.
[Learn more about couples therapy →]
For those who prefer to work in Spanish, Graciela Gutiérrez offers couples therapy in both English and Spanish.
Considering couples therapy? You can start with a consultation.
References
Lebow, J. L., & Snyder, D. K. (Eds.). (2023). Clinical handbook of couple therapy (6th ed.). The Guilford Press.
Linhof, A. Y., & Allan, R. (2018). A narrative expansion of emotionally focused therapy with intercultural couples. The Family Journal, 27(1), 44–49. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480718809426
Scheinkman, M. (2019). Intimacies: An integrative multicultural framework for couple therapy. Family Process, 58(3), 550–568.
https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12444
