What Happens When We Don’t Take Risks in Our Relationships?

Ted and Meghan have a lovely weekend tradition: on Saturday mornings, they wake up early, make blueberry pancakes, get back in bed to read their books, and fall back asleep. Unbeknownst to Ted and Meghan, they would each like to tweak their weekend routine. 

Ted doesn’t care for blueberries, and Meghan dislikes waking up early. Ted longs for chocolate chip pancakes, and Meghan longs to sleep in. What should be an enjoyable weekend ritual has turned into an obligation. Yet every Saturday, for the majority of their marriage, they have done the same thing. Why? They don’t want to hurt each other’s feelings. They don’t want to rock the boat. They’re scared. While blueberries and an early alarm may seem trivial, this dynamic permeates their relationship.  

From a couples therapy lens, Ted and Meghan are “conflict avoidant,” meaning they each value harmony, peace, and the path of least resistance. To toss in another fruit analogy—their apple looks perfect on the outside, but may be slowly rotting within. Over the years, things of much greater consequence have likely been left unsaid. Meghan wishes their sex life could be more adventurous, Ted wishes he could have more alone time. Ted feels his parenting is constantly being judged, while Meghan is sick of being a full-time mom.

They come into my office because they feel disconnected. They aren’t physically affectionate anymore. They don’t remember the last time they really laughed together like they used to. Where once they used to read together in the living room before bed, he now drinks a beer and watches TV while she does a crossword in the other room. They peacefully co-exist but are deeply lonely. 

This is the kind of couple you hear about who never fight, yet suddenly get divorced. 

Thankfully, they’ve come to couples therapy. When I speak with them individually, they share how unhappy they’ve been. Yet when we meet together, they say they have no complaints; they just want to feel closer. 

I explain to Ted and Meghan my concern that if they don’t start sharing their needs, their marriage could be in jeopardy. I empathize with their situation. For those of us who haven’t had role models to show us what healthy conflict looks like, we’re often at a loss when it comes to disagreeing with our partner(s). This avoidance of conflict often stems from a fear of losing our connection.  

As relational beings, we are always walking the line between authenticity and attachment. 

When we are young, some of us get the implicit message that if we are fully ourselves, we won’t be loved. Children typically have one of two reactions to this predicament. Either they put aside some of their own needs to maintain their caregiver attachment, or they rebel to maintain their authentic self. Both authenticity and attachment are necessary for human thriving, so we are all constantly straddling between both. When it comes to being a child, the risk of losing attachment is a matter of life or death. If a mama bear leaves her cub behind, it could be eaten by a predator or starve to death. Some babies who don’t receive sufficient physical touch are unable to achieve a healthy weight, even when provided with adequate nutrition. As children, we need attachment to survive in a very literal sense. As adults, the risk of attachment loss is emotional, but because it once was a matter of life or death, being left feels lethal. 

So when we ask ourselves…

“If I tell her that I want to quit my job, will she still respect me?”

“If I let him know I need more help with the kids, will he think less of me?” 

“If I show them how mad I feel, will they think I’m too much?” 

What we’re really asking is, “If I am myself, will my partner leave?

Ultimately, there’s only one way to know: take a leap and find out. Often, we’re surprised to learn that our partners are more accepting than we thought they’d be. Other times, we don’t get the answer we hoped for, and the relationship is in fact at risk. In some cases, compromise can be reached. In others, separation is the ultimate outcome. 

Of course, we must weigh the importance of our disclosure. Will Ted’s secret disdain for blueberries cost him his marriage? Probably not. Will Meghan’s withholding that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom eventually lead to marital issues? Almost certainly. Whether she shares it or not, there will be consequences. If she keeps her dream quiet, she could live an unfulfilled life and wonder what could have been. She could carry a secret resentment that erodes her relationship with her partner and with herself. If she does share it, there are a number of ways Ted could respond— 

Imagine what would happen if Ted said, “Thank you for telling me! Let’s find a way to make that happen,” or, “I’m not sure how we’ll manage to make this happen, but I’m committed to trying to figure it out,” or “I feel really hurt you never shared this with me, but I’m glad you’re telling me now, or, “No. This isn’t the agreement we made.” (In which case, Meghan could decide that this isn’t the relationship she wants to be in.) How might things be different?

Here’s the bottom line: unless survival is a serious risk, Meghan will be okay.* She could even be great. The plus side of leaning toward authenticity is deeper intimacy on the other side. To be loved is to be known. To be known is to be loved.

Meghan decided to speak up and take the leap. Will you? 

Navigating conflict avoidance in your relationship can be challenging; it often requires a trained couples therapist to help you take risks. If you feel you have no options left or would be more comfortable with a trained professional, don’t hesitate to reach out. We’re here to help. 

*Sometimes the circumstances really are dire. If speaking up could lead to financial scarcity, violence, community expulsion, or serious mental health decline, please contact a therapist before making any decisions.